9:39 a.m. - 2008-06-27
less wedding, more marriage....
Not that this entry will be about marriage. This one is about my other occupation: motherhood. The job I'm currently avoiding to read blogs and write blogs and wonder about throughout this whole online babble experience.
My friend Geisha, who none of you know, is coming up on the anniversary of her mother's death. This is one of those things that sends her into a state of ... reflection? reexamination? growth? And someone mentioned how much we as women are defined by our mothers and how our mothers love us. And I thought to myself, "great."
Because I feel ... that I should not be taking such a large part in these people's lives. I am constantly thinking of things I should be doing with them but don't because of my general lazy & selfish nature. I don't want to be in the sun playing with water guns right now. I want to be on the computer talking to grown-ups, even if it is all in monologue form. I don't want to be such a large player in their universe, because when I'm gone... the whole in their lives will be that much bigger. I don't feel like inflicting that kind of pain on people I love.
I know that they will get through it--everyone I know who has lost a parent (even a mother) does. But that's not the point. The point is, I don't want to be the one pillar foundation of these people's lives. Because if your foundation isn't balanced, when the foundation crumbles... that person runst the risk of breaking right down the middle. And it's a rather challenging break to repair. Not a hole to fill, but a restructuring of ceiling and floor supports. The sort of thing that is easier to do when the house is well supported in many places. I don't want to set my children up for a future of major life repair at an inconvenient time. Not that there is ever a good time to lose a parent.
Have I mentioned that I'm *really* looking forward to Screaming Harlot going to school in the fall & the Wards Of The State switching to a day care at the end of July? I am tired of my shadow looming so large in their lives--time for some other people to influence them. Preferably some people with more patience and willingness to do all those things I think I should do, but don't.
I'm not looking forward to my job hunt, but... I lie. I actually am looking forward to figuring out what it is that I should be doing. What, as the religious say, God is calling me to do. I know that I am done with this job--now I just need to figure out the next thing. Ideas are welcome, but NMH has already vetoed prostitution. Something about Nevada being too hot, adultery, my need to get back into condition... one of those--I don't remember which. ;-)
and now... i should get back to work....
