6:36 p.m. - 2007-10-13
unexpected stab & a sigh of relief
I've been working on a mix for NowMyHusband's D&D game. Yes, I married a gamer. (He married an actor/director--I think we're even.) One of the guys who plays in the game NMH runs *LOVES* a gimmick known as "a deck of many things." For those of you unversed in the D&D universe, "a deck of many things" is a bunch of cards that do lots of things to your character--some good, some bad. In the "good" end of the spectrum, you could get a house & the wealth necessary for its upkeep. On the bad end (and most of the cards are on the bad end) you get little things like--fight death or be forever destroyed, lose your soul to the void, have a devil take a personal interest in you (and not in the fun way, either).... I don't see the appeal, but I have sense.
Anyway, this guy whined & begged & waxed rhapsodic often enough that NMH decided to humor Whiney. NMH has decided to throw in "a deck of many things"--with a twist. The "adventurers" are going through a dungeon owned and populated by blind creatures. Being a clever man, NMH hit upon the concept of a "Jukebox of Many Things"--perfect for entities which don't see. (Also much easier to produce than "Stinky Boxes of Many Things" because who really wants to put poo in boxes?) Naturally, since *I* am the MixMaster in our house, he asked for my assistance. I was happy, nay, GIDDY to provide it. Until I discovered that I could not fit the 22 songs we'd decided upon after much discussion and brain wracking onto one disk. Given the nature of the beast, all the music must be on one disk. So I have begun the process of beating it to fit.
Alas, every single music burning program on my computer is crap. I have one program that will cut the songs the way I'd like them cut. Alas, every time I try to cut one particular song down, the program crashes. I've been working on this mix for about 12 hours, all told. I haven't spent that much time on a mix in YEARS--not since I was putting things on cassette!! Does this give you an idea of how much I love this guy?
But the song that actually reduced me to tears was "Our House" by Madness. Twenty-five years, two houses of my own "in the middle of our street" and a myriad of other things does not change the fact: that song makes me think of CWH. He was my best friend's little brother, my favorite chess opponent, one of the first people I played Trivial Pursuit with... a long list of things. As we grew older, the age difference & an inter-family disagreement reduced our friendship. Nonetheless, he was still important enough to me that I invited him to my wedding. Apparently I was still important enough to him that he came, and even invited my husband & I out to dinner a couple years later when we all lived in the same place. A week after my son was born, CWH blew his brains out. I still feel guilty for not calling him with the news of my son's birth. In my self-delusions of influence and importance, I think that news might have stopped him, somehow.
It has been over eight years since his suicide. A gunshot that still rings in a small hollow in my soul. "Our House" was our song--his, mine, his sister's, my sister's anthem. I no longer cry every time I hear it, but even now, when I least expect it... it stabs me.
Seeing HotHead's tale about stopping short of suicide... filled me with relief. I do not claim to be close to her--I wouldn't recognize her if she ran over me in a parking lot. I do know that she has people who love her, though. And I'm glad they do not have to find themselves crying to music that was never meant for tears....
